This is about not needing the company of others to go out and do the thing.  

For some, the prospect of doing something alone is liberating, for others it conjures up an image of a sad and lonely existence, and is quite frankly terrifying. It is really all about perception and getting comfortable with discomfort (at least initially). If you fall in to the latter category, I am hoping that this post might give you a little encouragement to go out there and at least dip your toe in the water of going solo.  

Stop waiting for others 

It can be frustrating when you desperately want to try something new, eat in that fancy restaurant everyone is raving about, or take a holiday and there is literally no one to join you. No amount of rallying your friends leads to getting a plan in place. A chorus of maybe’s, I’ll check my diaries, and oh yes we should definitely do that one days, only to be met with a radio silence at the point of actually putting some sort of plan in place, is disheartening to say the least.  

It is not that you are crap company or your friends don’t want to spend time with you, in fact it’s very unlikely to be about you at all. Life is busy, there is never enough time, and not everyone is fortunate enough to have the freedom to do the things you do.  

Now you can of course just wait it out, hoping you find the love of your life or one of your friends makes themself available at some unspecified point in time to join you on your long-awaited holiday or day out to that seaside town you’ve been dying to visit. In the meantime, life is passing you by, and you are missing out on living life right now.  

Who doesn’t want the people they love to spend time with most, to love the things they do and share in the things that give you the most pleasure, but that is simply not always feasible.  

Your finite time on this planet is precious and whilst you are placing your life on hold in the hope that eventually someone will be free to join your endeavour, life is passing you by and you are missing out on amazing, valuable experiences, you could be enjoying right now.  

Angelica Malic, Editor of Unattached, likened the wait for company before you start living life, to the expensive candle you save for best and the wasted opportunity of not choosing to enjoy it now.  

No one is thinking about you 

Well they might be …. 

Confession: I have been guilty of passing judgement (in a previous life) and making assumptions about someone I saw sitting in a bar alone.  We were in a Vegas hotel bar, and the guy clearly had money.  I noted his wildly expensive watch and wallet as I surreptitiously observed him from my vantage point at the bar. As he sat alone (not looking uncomfortable in the slightest), I remember thinking you can have all that money and still be lonely. I had assumed he was lonely! I knew nothing about this man and yet because he had, for whatever reason, decided to grab a drink alone in a bar in in the big LV , I had made this massive assumption about his circumstances. 

 I was far less informed, and smugly coupled up at the time. Occupying the school of thought that everyone must be aspiring to that life. The life of happily married, taking once a year cosy couple holidays. How little I knew. My current aspirations and perceptions of such situations could not now be further removed from that of the girl, sat in that bar feeling uncomfortable sitting alone for the few minutes it took my husband to use the bathroom, projecting my own discomfort with being alone on those who already knew what I had yet to learn. 

And before you start to think I knew it! If I dare go alone I will be that guy, the one sat alone whilst others pass judgement and make up stories about why I might be sat alone…  

Firstly, that is not true. For the most part people are so absorbed in themselves, their phones, and their thoughts, that on the whole people rarely give much heed to those around them.  

Secondly, even if they do, you should definitely not give two fucks what they think.  

What I didn’t know then, is that being alone does not mean lonely. That dining out, holidaying, undertaking any activity alone is no less pleasurable. Most importantly, the experience can be enjoyable, rewarding, empowering, peaceful and a multitude of other things, but rarely lonely.  

What is also worth noting is the fact that whilst I made assumptions about that man all those years ago, he is still imprinted on my mind as an example of someone that did not appear to have any sense of discomfort with his choice to drink alone in a Vegas bar. So, if someone is glancing your way, don’t jump to the conclusion they must be filled with pity, they may well be admiring your bravery. And if they are not perhaps they will one day.  

What is stopping you? 

Is it really the case that you don’t think you’ll enjoy the activity, meal or holiday alone, or is it that you feel horribly self-conscious? You think that everyone will be looking at you (see above) and the fear is not about doing the thing itself but of what others will think about you.  

Will people think you have no friends? Will I look sad and pathetic dining alone? Or; worse still like I’ve been stood up?! What if I’m really rubbish at the thing I want to try and I embarrass myself by doing it badly and I have no one there to make light of it with?  

I too have and still feel all of this discomfort. It is not easy to chuck all your self-consciousness in the fuck-it bucket and get on with the task in hand when you have spent your entire life trying to be inconspicuous, to blend in, to fit in the right box, to then find yourself sat on the edge of the decision to place your life on hold or get really uncomfortable and do the thing anyway.  

Do you not like your own company? My bet is that you are awesome company and if you gave yourself a chance you’d agree, you’re fun to be with and you are underestimating the pleasure of spending time with just you.  

I know many that really hate spending time alone owing to the time it gives to think, dwell and ruminate. For those that can relate to this, I suspect it may take some adjustment to start loving time alone. Be patient with yourself.  

I am an only child and had no cousins, so my childhood was a fairly solitary experience. Whilst that made for a pretty lonely childhood, it has meant I rarely struggle with my own company. I think that has ultimately served me well in preparation for my current circumstances. 

Is what you are anticipating reality? Is what you are afraid of, based on yet to be evidenced presumptions about your yet to be experienced, experience? Until you try, the reality is that you have no idea what your experience will look like, how much you might enjoy it or how scary it really is, and there is only one way to find out… 

I had so many preconceptions, about what doing something alone would be like. It felt out of the question that I could ever be that woman who was brave or even independent enough to survive alone. I remember thinking when I got divorced that I would never get to go on holiday again! Ever. That my only option to travel was to travel in the safety of a couple and that solo travel was simply not an option. I’d end up like that man in the Vegas bar, or worse raped and murdered and left for dead in an alley where no one would find my body until the refuge collectors did their next rounds. I was adamant I would not be that person, and I couldn’t even see the alternative through the veil of fear and preconceived ideas.  

You’ll be pleased to know that so far my personal safety has not been compromised, I am still very much alive and holidays without my ex-husband have been some of my best experiences of my life. All of my fears, worries and assumptions could not have been further removed from my lived experiences.  

I’m going to assume that most of you enjoy a long soak in the tub perhaps with a glass of wine, savouring the indulgent peace and momentary escape from the world. And I am going to assume that the very thing that makes it feel so pleasurable is the fact you are alone! (If baths are not your thing, feel free to replace with whatever thing you do alone that you get genuine pleasure from (yes even that!). You already know how to enjoy a little me time. So, by applying that logic to anything else you want to do you are already half way there in appreciating the value of alone time.  

If doing the thing alone still fills you with fear but you are determined to do it any way (to quote Susan Jeffers). Be prepared to get uncomfortable, to get vulnerable, to get brave and then get the rewards. 

Go Big, go small, but don’t go home.  

You have the choice to gently ease yourself in to these activities or go all in from the outset. 

My first solo endeavour was an all in road trip in a convertible Mustang, down the Pacific Coast Highway in the aftermath of my divorce. I had a huge amount to prove to myself about my capabilities, and a determination that I was not going to let adventure allude me simply because I now found myself going solo. I needed to challenge all of those assumptions I had made about solo endeavours.  The trip may not have been a financially sound decision given the sudden reduction to the household income, but it was the most valuable thing I have ever done. I spent the entire flight to San Francisco berating myself for making such a stupid reckless, irresponsible decision. I was bound to get robbed at gun point, get lost and never find my way home, or worse still be plagued with loneliness and end up weeping into a Pumpkin Pie. None of the above occurred.  

Despite spending two hours sat in the passenger seat of my hire car at the airport paralysed with fear, wondering how the hell I was meant to drive such a ridiculously huge car, in this huge country, on the wrong side of the road, I came to terms with the fact that no one was coming to rescue me. I navigated my way out of the car park and right through the most liberating, empowering experience of my life so far. I did not cry in to a pie, I did not get lonely, and thankfully had no gun point encounters.   

You might be looking for something a little less demanding as your first solo experiment. 

Perhaps taking a trip to the cinema or theatre alone where you may feel less conspicuous sitting alone is a more gentle starting point. Just don’t sit in the back row!